Who Are You When I'm Not Looking
by WhiteDaisies
Summary: Castle keeps himself busy by musing about the sides of Beckett that he only gets to see glimpses of.  He wonders how she behaves when he's not there.  Song Fic.


_A/N: Ok, I know a lot of you were kind of disappointed with the way Frosty ended. I really do apologize for that. But maybe this will make up for it? This is just a one shot that hit me in the car today. I love this song. It's by Blake Shelton, same title as the piece. It's been haunting me for a while. I hope you enjoy this!_

**Who Are You When I'm Not Looking**

Beckett had told him to keep himself busy while she finished up paperwork on a case. He sat at a desk that had recently been vacated so that she wouldn't feel like he was constantly staring over her shoulder. He told her it was no problem; he needed to work on his book anyway. The precinct would be a better place to work anyway because there was less to distract him.

Technically he had been right about there being less to distract him. He didn't have his toys or his gadgets to steal away his attention while he was writing. But in actuality he was quite wrong because his biggest distraction was sitting only two feet in front of him.

He watched her move around her desk, shuffling papers and fidgeting. She ran her hand threw her hair and settled on another page and put it on top of the stack. From this distance he knew she couldn't tell he was watching her so he took advantage of the situation. He watched as she sipped from her coffee mug, and then she moved her head back and forth. He thought for a moment she was checking to see if anyone was watching. Suddenly she slipped her right hand into the middle drawer on that side of her desk that was slightly ajar. He saw her hand come back up, this time holding three M&Ms in her hand. He smiled as she sneaked the candy to her mouth.

Seeing her when she didn't know he was watching made his mind travel even more than it already was. He slipped into a reverie about what his detective was like when he wasn't around.

_My oh my, you're so good-looking  
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends _

Before him sat a together woman, in charge of her life and her reality completely. There was nothing out of her control. She could kick your ass if you tried to cross her, and she could slice you with her words if that's what she deemed appropriate. She only let you in so far into her world, preferring to keep you at an arm's distance. She felt safer that way, he was sure of that now.

The way her hair caught the light made him smile. She was hot, he'd known that from day one. That's why he'd tried to get her into bed from the moment he laid eyes on her. It hadn't worked and now he was glad for that. There was so much more to Kate Beckett than what was before him then. He'd learned so much about her but he still felt there was so much yet to learn.

_But I've not tasted all you're cooking  
Who are you when I'm not looking? _

He wondered what she was like on her days off. What was she like on the nights that she went home alone. How much did she let loose by herself? How soft was her under feminine side? He was afraid he'd never know. So watching her back as she worked, he imagined things she might do while he was gone. It made him smile slightly at the thought

_Do you pour a little something on the rocks? _

She slid into her apartment, exhausted. The day had begun before six that morning and she was just now dragging her aching body home at a quarter to twelve. The thought of food crossed her mind, the dinner she'd eaten at the precinct feeling a life time ago. But going to refrigerator, she found nothing worth eating. And she didn't feel like ordering in. All she wanted to do was relax.

She opened up her cabinet and found her bottle of bourbon. She smiled to herself at the thought. Slipping a glass out of the next cabinet, she poured a little on the rocks. Then she paused and poured a little more. She replaced the bottle and went to the living room, where she lit some candles.

She put on her favorite jazz CD and sank into the couch as the saxophone lifted her spirits. She lifted her glass in time with the music, taking a slow sip of the cool liquid when she brought it down. She felt her shoulders loosen as she smiled again. This is what relaxed felt like.

_Slide down the hallway in your socks? _

It was a Saturday night and she wanted to spend it in instead of going out. She'd called Lanie, who brought a little liquid love and some dance music. The two girl friends lit a fire and sat for a while just talking. But when the alcohol took affect Lanie got up to dance. She slipped in a guilty pleasures mix from the 80s and 90s and dropped her pants. Beckett laughed from her perch on the floor as he curvy friend shook her hips for no one but herself.

"Come one girl, don't make me dance by myself." Lanie called to her, making come hither motions with her hands. After a moment's pause, she thought, what the hell. She dropped her pants just as Lanie had done and danced with her. When the Risky Business infamous song came on, a huge grin cracked on her face. Looking down, she realized she had on nothing but socks and underwear on her bottom half. With a giggle she took off sliding down the hall, striking the air guitar pose.

_When you undress, do you leave a path? _

She felt dirty. The explosion had sent shrapnel everywhere; dust burnt her eyes and her throat as she had lain on the ground. She had finally made it home and all she wanted was to get out of her clothes. She felt her coat on the chair by the door as the moved into the living room. Stopping at the couch, she slipped off her heels. Walking down the hall she pulled her hair down and ran a hand threw it.

Stepping into her bedroom, she unbuttoned her blouse and shed it on the chair in the corner. She moved to the attached bathroom to get her things for a shower and once inside that door, she shimmied out of her pants. Clothed in only a bra and panties, she leaned into the shower to start the water warming.

She went back into her bedroom to get some clothes to change into. She shed her bra on her dresser as she pulled out a set of pajamas. Looking up she saw the steam drift in from the bathroom. She made her way back in there, dropping the last piece of material on her body at the foot of her tub.

_Then sink to your nose in a bubble bath? _

The break up had been bad. She had yelled like a crazy person at him as they stood in her living room. She couldn't even remember why she was so upset anymore. But then hours of a standoff could do that to you. Her face had tear stains and her body felt limp. She started shedding her clothes on the way to the bathroom, feeling the need for a bath. With the water started for her bubble bath, she walked, completely naked, back to the kitchen for a glass of wine. By the time she returned with a huge glass of Merlot, he tub was full to the brim.

She sunk slowly into the heat of the water, letting it ease her mind and her body. All you could see was the parts of her above her chin and she loved it. She could soak for hours as long as the water stayed warm. She closed her eyes and breathed deep. She may have fallen asleep in the slow flickering light of the candles she had lit. Or she may have just let her mind wander to a place where she couldn't even find it. When she came back to the present, she stretched her legs, peeking her toes above the water.

_My oh my, you're so good-looking  
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends  
But I've not tasted all your cooking  
Who are you when I'm not looking?  
I wanna know  
I wanna know  
I wanna know_

He smiled at his thoughts as he came back to the present. Briefly he thought that he should write these things down for his books. He quickly realized though that this was Kate, not Nikki. He had started the books before he really knew the real Beckett. He had taken her outer layer, added a bit of a slut, and called her Nikki. He knew now there was so much more to her than that.  
_  
Do you break things when you get mad?_

He'd done it again. She was sure that of all the things Castle was, he wasn't stupid. But once again, he had dug into her life where she had told him not to. Ok, not directly but telling him to stay out of her mother's case implied to leave her father alone too. When he'd said in passing something about her father, she'd pushed him. She pushed him only to find that he'd spoken to her father without her permission. She didn't care what his motive was or what the conversation was about. He had no right to go digging into her personal life. The stuff he made up for his books was bad enough.

He walked into the break room after her, trying to explain, trying to apologize. She turned to face him and told him to leave. She couldn't deal with him anymore. Once he left the room, she turned her back to the door and leaned forward on the cabinet. She breathed deep and had almost calmed herself. Then suddenly, she picked up the empty, tiny white china coffee cup in front of her and slammed it down. It shattered into a million tiny pieces. But she felt much better.

_Eat a box of chocolates 'cause you're feelin' bad? _

He had left her for the summer to get back together with his ex-wife. She could accept that but she couldn't seem to quite shake the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She tried to put on a stoic face for the crowd that was gathered in the Chief's office but she ended up leaving very soon after he had. She didn't feel like being around anyone.

She settled onto the ledge at her favorite bay window in her apartment. She looked out onto the streets of New York through the rain streaks on her window. On her lap was the box of fine chocolates he'd sent her not so long ago that she hadn't gotten around to eating. She sat and thought about the possibility that she'd be alone forever. She ate every piece of chocolate in that box and felt worse about herself for doing it.

_Do you paint your toes 'cause you bite your nails? _

She had a nervous habit. Practically everyone had them and she tried to hide it while she was at work. But she often caught herself when she was thinking at her desk or the murder board chewing on her nails. She had tried once in high school, once in college, and once in the academy to stop the habit. It showed weakness and she hated that about herself. But she just couldn't seem to stop.

So she envied Lanie's professionally done nails all the time. And on spa days, when Lanie insisted she go, she only ever had her toes done. Lanie laughed at her. She thought it was because Beckett wouldn't let the world see her girly side. Truth was, Beckett couldn't stand the chipped nails that biting them left her with.

_Call up momma when all else fails? _

She didn't know what to do. Her life felt like it was falling in on her, leaving her in a pile of rubble. Her best friend was dating her detective. Her other detective was getting married soon. Castle's daughter had been glowing that day with young love. Even Castle seemed to be happy with his endless stream of bimbos. Everyone around her was happy. Everyone but her.

With a heavy heart, she pointed her car in the only direction she could think of. It was raining slightly but it didn't matter. She needed advice, she needed comfort that only a mother could give. So when she got to the site, she caressed the marble with her hand. A tear slipped from her eye as she sent up a silent prayer to her mother. She didn't know if her mother could hear her, but it made her feel better to think she could. _Momma help_, was all she could think over and over as the tears spilled freely.

_Who are you when I'm not around?  
When the door is locked and the shades are down?  
Do you listen to your music quietly? _

She drew the shades, blocking out the lights from the city. She turned on only her reading lamp by her favorite chair. She went to hear bookshelf and fingered the titles that she found there. There was nothing new about them but she hovered over each trying to pick the one that she wanted to read. She finally landed on one, the newest Nikki Heat manuscript he had given her. She had read it once, but something about it was calling to her again tonight.

She put the stereo in the living room down on low and she curled up in her chair. She felt the strains of the music float quietly around her as she delved into his latest masterpiece.

_And when it feels just right, are you thinkin' of me?_

As she sat there, finishing a chapter, she looked up from the book. She thought about the man who had written the steamy sex scene she had just read. She thought about the man who was imagining, presumably, her in the body of Nikki Heat. She smiled at the thought of him.

_I wanna know  
I wanna know  
I wanna know  
My oh my, you're so good-looking  
But who are you when I'm not looking?_

He broke out of his reverie when she stood and turned to walk towards him. She was done with her paperwork it appeared. Again he was struck by the grace with which she moved and the way her long legs rose and fell. He sighed.

"What's up Castle?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ever had a day dream you just really wish had been real?"


End file.
